Monday, 11 August 2014

Sleeper Hold

It has not quite reached that point where, upon entry to my home, I, like Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies, have to call out not to be attacked. For those of you in the know, Clouseau, as played by Peter Sellers, has, in an effort to hone his fighting skills, instructed his Asian houseboy, Cato, to attack him without warning. What results is Cato attacking him once all threat of doing so has evaporated and with hilarious results. In later films what eventually happens is that Clouseau ends up having a terrible day and calls out to Cato not to attack him despite his previous instructions to ignore such instructions. And of course, Cato attacks him. Good stuff.

Anyway, my home has been compared to a pirate camp, a wild West saloon and, appropriately enough, something like a WWF training school. I was very bitter that, when my sister was living in Mexico, she was unable to source us some Lucha Libre wrestling masks.
There is lots of 'wrasslin' going on round here- well, for a short while recently there hasn't been. After suffering grievous injury (torn shoulder tendon) in a dad and lad soccer match I had to call a halt to such activities for a while. But I'm back now though still not in top form. The living room has been recently cleared of the foosball table and so we could reinitiate son v. dad grudge matches.

I've written before in this blog that Wrestling is the key to good fathering. It, among other things, is a lot of fun and there is a lot of laughing. Also, it provides my boys with real and meaningful correction to super hero and video game fantasies about being all powerful. The key to a successful wrestling strategy is to stop while it is still fun and good natured or, as my wise father always says, "Quit While The Fun's Good." My middle son regularly complains that I always quit while the fun's good and I should instead quit when the fun's bad. But he is 9, a misanthrope and not to be trusted in such matters; I'll follow my dad's rule here.

So, wrestling is back on at the home and we are all happy with that. Even my oldest, who is getting too old and cool to do such things, upon his return from camp this weekend casually skulked by as the 9 year old and I were throwing it down. He got dragged into it and, despite minor protests was laughing as he was pinned. "Did you hear my back crack?" He asked proudly.

My youngest (almost 7) known universally as "The Tank" is the resident madman though. As described in the previously mentioned post he is the one who cracked one of my ribs by leaping knee first off a piece of furniture and into my side shouting, "Here I come to save the day!" Our bedtime routine has become a last ditch wrestling session. Some would feel that I'm 'working him up' but seriously the dude has so much energy I find it the best way to tire him out and burn off at least a little of his mania. I also have to confess to simply loving it - it's so fun and we're both laughing our guts out most of the time.

He killed me last night though when I uttered the usual wrap-up phrase to "Quite While The Fun's Good." He surprisingly gave his usual reply when I tell him to turn off the Wii, "Just a second, I have to beat this level first." Classic. I laughed so hard but then replied that this was the boss level and he would never beat it. And I put him down.

Friday, 8 August 2014



Local dog owners are up in arms after the latest example of inconsiderate parents allowing their kids to run amok in local parks, traumatizing dogs and owners alike. Last week saw a horde of baby-toting hipster parents invade a clearly marked and fenced-in dog park in the downtown Toronto Beaches area. Reportedly, kids were stealing dog toys and covering them with their own saliva and bite marks, children were chasing fearful dogs and dog-owners and thoughtless parents were leaving behind dirty diapers on the ground.

“It’s not like they don’t have plenty of park space of their own,” complains Monica DeSouza, a City archivist and the proud “mama” of a beguiling beagle terrier mix named Gadget. “Gadget was completely bowled over by this very aggressive child. The parent simply yelled from over twenty feet away, ‘It’s OK, she is very friendly. She loves dogs.’ I mean, who cares that she is ‘friendly’? The kid should be better behaved. Now whenever Gadget sees a child he hides behind my legs and whines. I am seriously concerned that I may have to take him to a pet psychologist.”

Artist and caterer Chip Peterson also sees it as a growing problem and one that is the result of changing demographics. “Look, I don’t blame the kids per se. I blame the parents – they simply let the kids run wild. This has been a doggy community for years – we have two dog treat bakeries in the neighbourhood, one traditional and the other vegetarian, gluten free and organic – and these people are pushing their way in without any consideration of our history and sensibilities. They are attracted by all the green space and then fail to respect it. I mean, keep your kid on a leash if you can’t control it.”

“These breeders make me sick – literally. I am allergic to children’s drool but you’re some sort of monster if you have no interest in these little Petri dishes in designer clothing – you should see some of the ridiculous outfits these people put their kids into – I mean, seriously, get a life,” adds Tamara Jacobson, a local dog walker and the outspoken founder of the anti-kid lobby, “Stop Kidding Around”.

Issues such as these are expected to dominate a city meeting later this month on local planning for the park with a proposition for a large fenced in area only allowing children and parents with a splash pad and water fountain of its own. It has local dog owners foaming at the mouth.


Tuesday, 5 August 2014

La Vida Loca

Today I (and my two younger boys):

 1) Moved foosball table from living room so I could;
2) Set up model trains and then;
3) Went to playground to play handball and grounders and then;
4) Went to the Burger Shack for Homeburger and Vernor's and then;
5) Went to Toys R Us and then;
6) Bought comics and Myth Busters books and then;
7) Snuck candy into Guardians of the Galaxy.

I feel that I must be living the life of some 10 year old who's stuck in Math Camp. Sucks to be him.