Monday, 11 August 2014

Sleeper Hold








It has not quite reached that point where, upon entry to my home, I, like Inspector Clouseau in the Pink Panther movies, have to call out not to be attacked. For those of you in the know, Clouseau, as played by Peter Sellers, has, in an effort to hone his fighting skills, instructed his Asian houseboy, Cato, to attack him without warning. What results is Cato attacking him once all threat of doing so has evaporated and with hilarious results. In later films what eventually happens is that Clouseau ends up having a terrible day and calls out to Cato not to attack him despite his previous instructions to ignore such instructions. And of course, Cato attacks him. Good stuff.







Anyway, my home has been compared to a pirate camp, a wild West saloon and, appropriately enough, something like a WWF training school. I was very bitter that, when my sister was living in Mexico, she was unable to source us some Lucha Libre wrestling masks.
There is lots of 'wrasslin' going on round here- well, for a short while recently there hasn't been. After suffering grievous injury (torn shoulder tendon) in a dad and lad soccer match I had to call a halt to such activities for a while. But I'm back now though still not in top form. The living room has been recently cleared of the foosball table and so we could reinitiate son v. dad grudge matches.


I've written before in this blog that Wrestling is the key to good fathering. It, among other things, is a lot of fun and there is a lot of laughing. Also, it provides my boys with real and meaningful correction to super hero and video game fantasies about being all powerful. The key to a successful wrestling strategy is to stop while it is still fun and good natured or, as my wise father always says, "Quit While The Fun's Good." My middle son regularly complains that I always quit while the fun's good and I should instead quit when the fun's bad. But he is 9, a misanthrope and not to be trusted in such matters; I'll follow my dad's rule here.




So, wrestling is back on at the home and we are all happy with that. Even my oldest, who is getting too old and cool to do such things, upon his return from camp this weekend casually skulked by as the 9 year old and I were throwing it down. He got dragged into it and, despite minor protests was laughing as he was pinned. "Did you hear my back crack?" He asked proudly.


My youngest (almost 7) known universally as "The Tank" is the resident madman though. As described in the previously mentioned post he is the one who cracked one of my ribs by leaping knee first off a piece of furniture and into my side shouting, "Here I come to save the day!" Our bedtime routine has become a last ditch wrestling session. Some would feel that I'm 'working him up' but seriously the dude has so much energy I find it the best way to tire him out and burn off at least a little of his mania. I also have to confess to simply loving it - it's so fun and we're both laughing our guts out most of the time.






He killed me last night though when I uttered the usual wrap-up phrase to "Quite While The Fun's Good." He surprisingly gave his usual reply when I tell him to turn off the Wii, "Just a second, I have to beat this level first." Classic. I laughed so hard but then replied that this was the boss level and he would never beat it. And I put him down.









Friday, 8 August 2014

CITY GOING TO THE DOGS


CITY GOING TO THE DOGS


STAFF  - TORONTO
Local dog owners are up in arms after the latest example of inconsiderate parents allowing their kids to run amok in local parks, traumatizing dogs and owners alike. Last week saw a horde of baby-toting hipster parents invade a clearly marked and fenced-in dog park in the downtown Toronto Beaches area. Reportedly, kids were stealing dog toys and covering them with their own saliva and bite marks, children were chasing fearful dogs and dog-owners and thoughtless parents were leaving behind dirty diapers on the ground.

“It’s not like they don’t have plenty of park space of their own,” complains Monica DeSouza, a City archivist and the proud “mama” of a beguiling beagle terrier mix named Gadget. “Gadget was completely bowled over by this very aggressive child. The parent simply yelled from over twenty feet away, ‘It’s OK, she is very friendly. She loves dogs.’ I mean, who cares that she is ‘friendly’? The kid should be better behaved. Now whenever Gadget sees a child he hides behind my legs and whines. I am seriously concerned that I may have to take him to a pet psychologist.”

Artist and caterer Chip Peterson also sees it as a growing problem and one that is the result of changing demographics. “Look, I don’t blame the kids per se. I blame the parents – they simply let the kids run wild. This has been a doggy community for years – we have two dog treat bakeries in the neighbourhood, one traditional and the other vegetarian, gluten free and organic – and these people are pushing their way in without any consideration of our history and sensibilities. They are attracted by all the green space and then fail to respect it. I mean, keep your kid on a leash if you can’t control it.”

“These breeders make me sick – literally. I am allergic to children’s drool but you’re some sort of monster if you have no interest in these little Petri dishes in designer clothing – you should see some of the ridiculous outfits these people put their kids into – I mean, seriously, get a life,” adds Tamara Jacobson, a local dog walker and the outspoken founder of the anti-kid lobby, “Stop Kidding Around”.

Issues such as these are expected to dominate a city meeting later this month on local planning for the park with a proposition for a large fenced in area only allowing children and parents with a splash pad and water fountain of its own. It has local dog owners foaming at the mouth.

 

Tuesday, 5 August 2014

La Vida Loca

Today I (and my two younger boys):

 1) Moved foosball table from living room so I could;
2) Set up model trains and then;
3) Went to playground to play handball and grounders and then;
4) Went to the Burger Shack for Homeburger and Vernor's and then;
5) Went to Toys R Us and then;
6) Bought comics and Myth Busters books and then;
7) Snuck candy into Guardians of the Galaxy.


I feel that I must be living the life of some 10 year old who's stuck in Math Camp. Sucks to be him.

Friday, 27 June 2014

Class Act








School's almost over. I've managed to pull myself together from crying and shivering in the corner, in order to write this entry. Who knows when I'll have time again? September? This is like the moment when the Campbellian Hero is about to cross the threshold, descend into the underworld, brave the jungle, go down the river, step into the Cantina on Tatooine etc. to test himself with madness and see how he comes out the other end.


As it is almost the end of the school year, the kids are not apparently doing much learning and so I thought I'd drop by my eldest (almost 12 year's old) son's class to give a little talk. I arranged with his teacher to talk about comic books/graphic novels since I have written a few of those and the subject matter was one that had a slight chance of keeping their interest for a half hour. There was also a (not) small part of me that thought this might increase his status in his peer's eyes ("What? Your dad makes comics? Cool!), not to mention, my own in his eyes.


I prepared a rudimentary Power Point presentation and ran it by my son. He sniffed, "It's OK  - too much text." My middle son (9) looked on and suggested I add a snazzy design. My youngest one (7) talked excitedly about the one he had created in class this week (which did sound more sophisticated than the one I had just prepared) and he offered to show me how to import some clip art to jazz it up. Humpf. So far my attempts at impressing anyone were not going so well.


I showed up in the classroom yesterday while the kids were in the library and set up while chatting with the teacher. The sound of stampeding tweens let me know that they approached. As they barrelled through the door a number of them surprisingly asked/demanded:


"Can you really do a one-armed pushup?"


"Uh... I can. That's not why I'm here."


"Come on, show us!"


I looked in the teacher - WTF? He returned my look of bafflement.


At this point a number of them dropped to the floor and tried it. They ended up on their faces. I made some positional suggestions.


The teacher tried to regain control. "Alright, settle down, you guys."


"Maybe if the presentation doesn't go well, I could always drop and do one."


I didn't end up needing to do the push up as things went reasonably well. The highlight (for me) was when one of the kids asked if I have ever worked with my son (referred to as "Sweeney" by his classmate, classic) who is a gifted artist. I replied that we had talked about collaborating some day. My son grinned, pleased and embarrassed as an appreciative murmur of "cool!" circulated. That was pretty awesome.


Trying to revisit that moment later that day, when we were coming back from buying ice cream, I asked him about what he thought of the presentation.


"Yeah, it was OK, good." - Yeesh


He told me that the other kids had to research me before I showed up. Suddenly things clicked. I remembered I had mischievously put under my LinkedIn Skills profile - "Can juggle and do one-armed push-ups, but not simultaneously".


He said kids had shouted out in class, "Sweeney, can your dad really do a one-armed push-up?"


"Uh, I don't know..."


"It says here he can."


"Well, I guess you know more about my dad than I do."


I laughed. Then he asked me, deliberately in an off-hand manner, "Can you?"


"What? Yes!" I responded surprised/offended.


Shortly after we got home I proved my stuff with a respectable series of one-armed push-ups as he and my other boys gathered around (with a slight misgiving I might end up on my face in the dirt).


That impressed them a lot more than my power pint presentation, I can tell you.

Tuesday, 24 June 2014

You like me, you really like me....



My TV comedy series, Parental Advisory, has been chosen to take part in the National Screen Institute's Totally Television program this Fall. Woot woot!:


The National Screen Institute – Canada (NSI) congratulates the teams selected to the 2014 NSI Totally Television training course who will have the opportunity to develop their television projects with the best showrunners and story editors in the country.


“I’m so excited to start working with these five great teams,” said Shelly Tyler, program manager. “The level of talent in this group is amazing – they have a lot of potential and I’m looking forward to developing and refining their projects with them over the next year.”
The 2014 teams are:
  • Bastards – Jeremy LaLonde (writer) and Jordan Walker (producer), Toronto, ON
  • Parental Advisory – Christopher Stewart Sweeney (writer) and Jaime Escallon-Buraglia (producer), Toronto, ON
  • Recovery – Liam Brennan (writer) and Katie Weekley (producer), Winnipeg, MB, Vancouver, BC
  • New Wave – Stu Marks (writer) and Lauren Corber (producer), Toronto, ON
  • CrookID – Cathryn Morris (writer) and Lara Anna Fitzgerald (producer), Vancouver, BC
NSI Totally Television is a TV series development training course that connects teams with executives from all major Canadian networks, showrunners, story editors such as Tassie Cameron (Rookie Blue), Vera Santa Maria (producer on Parks and Recreation), David Barlow (KingThe Border), Aaron Martin (Being EricaSaving Hope) and executive producers from companies like Shaftesbury, Temple Street, Breakthrough and Omni.


http://www.nsi-canada.ca/2014/06/nsi-totally-television-2014-teams-announced/

Thursday, 19 June 2014

GONE IN A FLASH

World Cup Mania has struck our house.





Well, actually, World Cup Sticker mania has struck. My two youngest have the fever and have emptied piggy banks and sofas to gather change to buy stickers of a bunch of guys with bad haircuts from around the world.


The stickers are actually not too badly priced and I prefer them over Pokémon cards (pause to spit to the side in hatred) which, to my terror, made a brief reappearance in the schoolyard this spring. Is there the equivalent of WHO (World Health Organization) or CDC (Centre for Disease Control) that monitors outbreaks of new and virulent strains of Pokémon fever? Pokémon is indeed an example of evil genius cynically tapping into a boy's need and desire to acquire stuff and compile lists and taxonomies. Pokémon (which apparently is a derivation of Pocket Monsters - more like Pocketbook Monsters) can generate oodles of new and weird Pokémon, since they do not correspond to the real world.
At least World Cup stickers correspond to the real world and actual achievements. It has even had some spillover benefits - they have gained a greater understanding of world geography and know the flags of dozens of nations. So that's cool - even though soccer itself leaves me cold (unless my boys are playing at which point I become VERY invested in it).


This is the background to my youngest demanding to go to the corner store and buy yet more stickers with his allowance. (Here, by the way, is why I believe in allowance - I do not have to constantly justify why I won't buy piles of useless crap for them - they have their own money to do so and if they blow it all they can repent their folly at leisure.  They must be responsible for themselves and their own decisions. It has worked well with my eldest - he has become almost as stingy as I am. Oh, the tears of pride when I overhear him scoffing at his younger brothers, "Why would you WASTE you money on that stuff?" Sniff.)


So, the  6 year old is jumping up and down wanting to go to the store and I say, "Sure." I just have to go downstairs to put something away first. However, when I get back upstairs to take him to the store HE IS GONE. I mean totally disappeared. I yell for him throughout the house and outside. I run to the corner to look the two blocks to the store. No sign of him. There is no way he could run that fast.
I run back and check with some neighbours to make sure he isn't playing in their backyard. Nope. I see a Mum I know coming from the other direction (where there is another, inferior, corner store). Has she seen any of my kids going that way? "No? Do you need some help?" I start running to the first corner store. He must be there. But how could he disappear so fast and so completely?


As I approach the store, the door opens and out comes my beaming boy, his fists stuffed with sticker packs and followed shortly after by convenience store owner looking around - in my guilt and paranoia, I believe for the negligent parent who let their little kid go buy stuff on their own. The relief. The fear! The anger! I manage to calm myself down and not overreact.


"Buddy! What are you doing? I didn't know where you were."


"But you said I could get stickers with my money."


"Yes, but with me. Not on your own."


"You didn't say I couldn't."


Here I was hoisted by my own petard  - me: big talker about generating autonomy and independence; casually bragging my kids walk to school on their own; giving them their own grocery lists to help with the shopping; insisting they pack and carry their own sports equipment bags etc. I used to walk to school and back starting in Grade One, Downtown Toronto, half hour walk, crossing major streets etc. Rolling my eyes at newsletters from school which warn against kids younger than 10 being allowed to cross the street on their own - 'they lack the capacity, maturity'. Ridiculous. How are they supposed to develop those qualities?


Busted. Because clearly how can I only demand independence when I approve it. Contradictory, ennit? So, mental regroup.


"But I haven't ever let you go before on your own. You always go with your older brothers."


Looked at me. What was my problem exactly? I had to confess.


"I was scared."


He laughed.


Then saw I was serious. And he was confused. Over that? As he should be. Mission accomplished. I have another independent confident big boy.


But it went so fast...



Monday, 16 June 2014

The Big Pitch - TAAFI 2014




In a completely unrelated matter, the pitch for my animated comedy series, Split Second, has been chosen to participate in The Big Pitch as part of the TAAFI 2014 closing ceremonies. Finally, I may get the respect of my boys.


The Big Pitch


The Big Pitch + TAAFI Awards + Closing Ceremonies

The triple threat event to close down TAAFI 2014! First, witness the BEST pitches from TAAFI’s Pitch-A-Palooza as they go head to head in front of our panel and audience decide the best pitch of the year