The Naked Truth

Conversation at dinner table tonight:

13 year old tells a story about how a kid in Grade 6 has been banned from local variety store for trying to buy a Playboy. We all start laughing, except the 8 year old demands to know what a Playboy is.



13 year old looking shifty and pink, refuses to answer. 10 year old sniggering.

My wife explains that it is a magazine full of naked women.

He doubles over laughing, "Who would want to look at a magazine like that?"

My wife, carefully not looking at me, answers, "Exactly."

I interject, "Some men are very interested in looking at naked women."

8 year old in disbelief, "That's just dumb."

I reply, "There may come a day when you become one of those men."

He looks at me. "Do you like looking at naked women?"

Beat.

"Very much."

Chorus of yucks etc.

My wife, "Daddy is a gross pig."

I defend myself, "What? I like looking at you naked."

She blushes.

My boys yell out, "Stop! Enough! Yuck!"

I ask them, "Where do you think the three of you come from?"

At that point I am physically attacked by my three sons, laughing, outraged, embarrassed.

What My Kids Learned in School Today

I got a real kick out of dinner the other night. Tuesday has become de facto guys' night dinner since my lovely and bright wife is completing her Masters in Law (which she started just before becoming pregnant with our oldest. He just turned 12.And then we had two more. Hat's off to her sticking with it. We're BUSY around here.) Her classes are Tuesday nights.

The conversation went something like this:

OLDEST shaking his head in disbelief: Dad, you won't believe what I learned in school today.

ME: Oh? What?

Me trying not to display too much excitement he is actually VOLUNTEERING information about what goes on in school and his life generally. The last few months he has been engaging in a vigorous campaign to stop all information leaks to us about his doings.

OLDEST: We're talking about drug abuse in health and the teacher mentioned Jimi Hendrix doing so many drugs he choked on his own vomit?

Again, clearly a guys' night dinner discussion - drug abuse and vomit.

ME: Uh huh?

OLDEST: And then a few minutes later one of the other kids raises his hand and asks, 'Who is Jimi Hendrix?' I can't believe it. And then, it turns out only three kids in my whole class had even heard of him. Crazy!

MIDDLEST boy (Age 9): What? Jimi Hendrix is only like one of the world's greatest guitarists ever.

OLDEST: I know. Right?

Pause as I wipe away a tear of pride - boys know their classic rock.

This pride is only topped later when my middlest asks me to play The Homecoming Song by Dollar Brand (AKA Abdullah Ibrahim) a classic jazz track.

MIDDLEST: It's got a great beat.

They then start debating which Herbie Hancock instrumental track they prefer off his Head Hunters album, Chameleon or Watermelon Man.

I gotta be doing something right. Right?